When Grandmama Fell off the Boat
The Best of Harry Graham, Inventor of Ruthless Rhymes
$25.00
The wittiest, sickest and most telling verses by one of England’s greatest humorists are collected here for the first time in a single volume. The best of the infamous ruthless rhymes and many other memorable products of Harry Graham’s satire are accompanied by eighty delightful period illustrations.
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- RRP: $16.95
- Format: 217 x 142 mm (8 1/2 x 5 3/5 in)
- Pages: 160
- Weight: 0.4 kg (0.9 lb)
- Pictures: 80 b/w
- Binding: Hardack no jacket
- ISBN: 978-1-873329-41-2
- Publication: 2009
Harry Graham’s Famous and Funny Poems
And couldn’t swim (and wouldn’t float),
Matilda just stood by and smiled.
I almost could have slapped the child.
When Grandmama Fell Off The Boat is an anthology of the humorous verse of Harry Graham, one of the early 20th century’s wittiest writers. Graham made his name as the author of Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes, published in 1898 under the pseudonym Col. D. Streamer (he was a Coldstream Guard). He went on to become a successful writer of stage-show lyrics, and in 1923 had five smash-hit musicals running simultaneously in the West End of London. His work was published not only in England but also in America, where he was credited with introducing ‘sick’ verse. The Times in its 1936 obituary compared him with Edward Lear, Lewis Carroll and W. S. Gilbert, an epitaph that has stood the test of time.
Sting in the tail
Graham’s secret is his ability to relate common episodes with a sardonic twist. A father irritated by his crying infant finds peace and quiet by popping him in the Frigidaire and a man whose wife elopes with the chauffeur despairs of ever starting the car. His callous and quotable rhymes became the table talk of a generation, influencing emerging writers such as W. H. Auden, George Orwell and Agatha Christie (see our blog on Literary Links).
Although the ever popular Ruthless Rhymes was republished in 1996, When Grandmama Fell Off The Boat remains the only comprehensive selection of Graham’s verse, compiled with the help of his daughter, Virginia. It contains Graham’s best work: his sharpest satire, his most readily remembered lines and his humour at its darkest. A sample couplet from each poem is quoted in Preview (below).
This anthology, authorized by Harry Graham’s daughter Virginia, is elegantly designed with delightful and amusing period illustrations by Fish, Fougasse and Ridgewell.
Foreword by Virginia Graham
Introduction by Miles Kington
THE POEMS
Indifference
Appreciation
Father
Aunt Eliza
Amiability
The New Profession
Thoughtlessness
Grandpapa
Tender-Heartedness
Mr Jones
Compensation
The Linguist
The Siren
Patience
Holidays
The Neighbours
Perspective
The Homes of London
Necessity
The Last Horsed ’
Lord Gorbals
The Model Motorist
Table Manners
Luncheon
Waste
Dinner
The Men from Blankley’s
Providence
Dancing
The Battue of Berlin
The Englishman’s Home
The Sportsman
Getting Up
The Ideal Husband
Love’s Handicap
Mrs Christopher Columbus
The Trucks of Truro
The New Romance
Good Sport
The Busy Rich
The Morning
Slush
Winter Sports
L’Enfant Glacé
Grandmama
The Martyrdom of Fashion
Dressing
Plagues at the Play
Creature Comforts
The Choice
A Plea for Ponto
The Deserted Garden
The Fallen Star
The Cries of London
The Postman and the Lift
The Vacuum Cleaner
The Cry of the Elders
The Motriot
Tragedy
In-Laws
Breakfast
Bishop Prout
The Traveller
If…!
Chance
Opportunity
Waste
The Bath
The Dirt Cure
The Pest
Calculating Clara
Baby
Canon Gloy
The Poet’s Life
Envoi
Harry Graham (1874-1936) was an establishment figure who didn’t quite fit the mould. He started off conventionally enough with Eton, Sandhurst and the Guards, but the irrepressible entertainer in him kept bursting out, and by 1910 he had become a full-time writer. He was engaged to the American actress Ethel Barrymore, great aunt of Drew Barrymore, but she added him to her list of spurned suitors, among them Winston Churchill. Four years later Graham married Dorothy Villiers. They had one daughter, Virginia, also a writer, whose correspondence with Joyce Grenfell was published in 2000.
Miles Kington was a writer, humorist and jazz double-bassist. He wrote 16 books, innumerable articles and more than 4,500 newspaper columns. Among them was the much-imitated ‘Let’s Parler Franglais’ series, a delightfully absurd hodge-podge of two languages that cast a satirical eye over the vagaries of English life. Who better, then, to introduce the dark absurdities of When Grandmama Fell off the Boat: The Best of Harry Graham?
It was his love of music that brought Miles his first professional job as a writer, when The Times employed him as a jazz reviewer in 1965. He then joined the staff of Punch, and in 1970 became its literary editor. His daily column ‘Moreover’ appeared in The Times from 1980 to 1987, when he moved to The Independent. He presented numerous TV programmes including the series Steaming Through Britain, and more than 60 documentaries on an eclectic range of subjects including General de Gaulle, Jean Paul Sartre, Brezhnev, Franco, Django Reinhardt and John Betjeman.
The consummate professional, Miles Kington wrote indefatigably to the very end. Even his final illness provided material for a book, How Shall I Tell the Dog? His last column appeared in The Independent on 30th January 2008, the day he died.
SAMPLE COUPLETS
Indifference
When Grandmama fell off the boat,
And couldn’t swim (and wouldn’t float)…
Appreciation
Auntie, did you feel no pain
Falling from that willow tree?
Father
During dinner at the Ritz,
Father kept on having fits…
Aunt Eliza
In the drinking-well
Which the plumber built her…
Amiability
Though hearts by kindliness are won,
Good-nature can be overdone…
The New Profession
He never was able to find a profession
For which he was properly fitted…
Thoughtlessness
I never shall forget my shame
To find my son had forged my name…
Grandpapa
Founder of a distinguished line,
And worthy ancestor of mine!
Tender-Heartedness
Billy, in one of his nice new sashes,
Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes…
Mr Jones
“There’s been an accident!” they said,
“Your servant’s cut in half; he’s dead!”
Compensation
Weep not for little Léonie,
Abducted by a French Marquis!
The Linguist
Charmé de vous voir içi!
Never saw you looking better!
The Siren
She shouted: “Catch me if you can, sir!”
And dived again like a merganser!
Patience
When skiing in the Engadine
My hat blew off down a ravine…
Holidays
If we lounge at Ostend in a bar –
If we sail a small dinghy at Dover…
The Neighbours
I fail so to appreciate
The honour of a visit…
Perspective
“What is the Government about?
And where are the Police?”
The Homes of London
The happy homes of London,
How beautiful they stand!
Necessity
Late last night I slew my wife,
Stretched her on the parquet flooring…
The Last Horsed ’Bus
Ancient Omnibus ungainly,
We shall miss thee, day by day…
Lord Gorbals
He collided with a goatherd
And a herd of forty goats…
The Model Motorist
Ye murderous, motoring scorchers,
With manners of Gadarene hogs…
Table Manners
Let me tell you of my favourite Aunt Anna,
Who (though eighty) is alert and full of fun…
Luncheon
My brother Fritz, one summer’s day,
Was lunching with his fiancée…
Waste
I had written to Aunt Maud,
Who was on a trip abroad…
Dinner
Young Henry Jones, a friend of mine,
Once took a girl to dance and dine…
The Men from Blankley’s
The clock struck two as from the street
There rose a sound, sublime, seraphic…
Providence
Fate moves in a mysterious way,
As shown by Uncle Titus…
Dancing
Now the moral of my story, which I dwell on con amore,
Is that dancing is no mere gymnastic game…
The Battue of Berlin
From left and right, in furious flight,
The stags to slaughter came…
The Englishman’s Home
I was playing golf the day
That the Germans landed…
The Sportsman
While herds of guilty chamois hang
Their heads on ev’ry landing…
Getting Up
Though many men have made their mark
By rising daily with the lark…
The Ideal Husband
When comes my time for mating,
When Cupid shoots his bolt…
Love’s Handicap
How they ate petits fours
Till she cried: “Au secours!”
Mrs Christopher Columbus
Her husband’s absence she enjoyed,
Nor ever asked him where he went…
The Trucks of Truro
When these trucks go East of Truro,
Then my heart will faithless be!
The New Romance
He drove superbly from the tee;
Said Elsie: “That’s the man for me!”
Sport
The distant “honk” of homing goose,
The savage roar of mating moose!
The Busy Rich
With seventy thousand a year,
My work ev’ry moment grows more…
The Morning
How slowly do the mornings pass
For members of that leisured class…
Slush
Dowered with the wealth of Ophir,
Reared on costly caviare…
Winter Sports
The ice upon our pond’s so thin
That poor Mama has fallen in!
L’Enfant Glacé
When Baby’s cries grew hard to bear
I popped him in the Frigidaire…
Grandmama
She married Grandpapa (although
She much preferred another beau…
The Martyrdom of Fashion
Ah, who can view without compassion
This modern Martyrdom of Fashion?
Dressing
Some people take an hour to dress;
It can be done in rather less…
Plagues at the Play
“Well-dressed,” and well-fed, and well-meaning (God knows!),
They arrive when the play is half ended…
Creature Comforts
I fed the ducks, reproved my wife,
Played Handel’s Largo on the fife…
The Choice
“Gladly, to save the best of bow-wows,
I’d sacrifice,” she sobbed, “my spou-ouse!”
A Plea for Ponto
I’ve yet to hear the mwnrion
Of a surgical invention
That can justify experiments on DOGS…
The Deserted Garden
There is a garden in our square,
And householders can have the key…
The Fallen Star
When Ada Stew was seventeen
No shyer girl was ever seen…
The Cries of London
No more, when autumn days draw near,
Do songs of “Lavender!” rise clear…
The Postman and the Lift
My word! How Aunt Eliza sniff’d
She met a postman in the lift!
The Vacuum Cleaner
Though Time of “Old Masters” denude us,
Though strangers our treasures annex…
The Cry of the Elders
O my Children, we, the older generation,
At whose feet you ought (in theory) to sit…
The Motriot
It was chickens, chickens, all the way,
With children crossing the road like mad…
Tragedy
That morning, when my wife eloped
With James, our chauffeur, how I moped!
In-Laws
When first I set up house with Jane
Her parents were of great assistance…
Breakfast
The perfect breakfast, all must own,
Is that which man enjoys alone…
Bishop Prout
In Burma, once, while Bishop
Was preaching on Predestination…
The Traveller
Back in Basingstoke to-day,
Aunt Maud still dreams about Bombay…
If…!
I went to Holland (Amsterdam),
For that’s the sort of man I am…
Chance
And here they built their castles in the sand
And listened to the Borough Council Band…
Opportunity
When Mrs Gorm (Aunt Eloise)
Was stung to death by savage bees…
Waste
Our governess – would you believe
It? – drowned herself on Christmas Eve!
The Bath
Broad is the Gate and wide the Path
That leads man to his daily bath…
The Dirt Cure
Unkempt and a sloven, in rooms like an oven,
I lead a most healthy existence…
The Pest
With passion fierce and uncontrolled
I loathe the man who’s got a cold!
Calculating Clara
O’er the rugged mountain’s brow
Clara threw the twins she nursed…
Baby
Mother said, “Oh, stop a bit!
This is overdoing it!”
Canon Gloy
One morning, just as Canon Gloy
Was starting gaily for the station…
The Poet’s Life
The noblest bards have all required
A tragic source from which to borrow…
Envoi
Behold how tenderly I treat
Each victim of my pen and brain…
